You’re Using Boundaries Wrong! The Difference Between Boundaries and Rules
“Boundaries” is becoming a buzz-word in today’s culture. Its use is going beyond just the therapist's office; social media and pop culture have gotten whole generations of people to become more aware of their boundaries and how to enforce them. Unfortunately, with greater awareness also comes the misuse of this word to say and do things that are actually harmful to relationships. The word “boundaries” is now being weaponized in romantic relationships, with family, and in friendships to justify controlling another person’s behavior.
Here are a few examples of rules that might be claimed as boundaries:
“You can’t text other girls/guys. I have access to your phone at all times.”
“You can’t yell at me.”
“You have to respond to my text immediately.”
“You have to be present for this family dinner.”
“If you don’t ______, I will ______.”
“You can’t keep calling me to talk for hours a day. Stop calling me.”
“We have to leave by 9pm.”
Have you heard or said any of these? Did you or that person say they were merely setting boundaries? While rules have a place in all relationships, knowing the difference between boundaries and rules can help you spot controlling behavior that you or someone else may tend to engage in.
If we could boil this down to a single sentence, it would be this: Boundaries are about you, rules are about the other person.
The intention of a boundary is to help take accountability for your own emotions and guide your behavior accordingly. You are not forcing the other person to change their behavior but instead communicating what you will and will not do. On the other hand, the intention of a rule is to conduct someone else’s behavior. Rules result in consequences, whereas boundaries foster understanding and prioritize self-respect.
Now, let’s rewrite those rules to be boundaries:
“When you text other guys/girls, I notice I get insecure. Can we talk about this and come up with a plan?”
“If you yell at me, I’m going to walk away for five minutes and then re-engage when things are calmer.”
“I like feeling prioritized when we text. Can you check in with me when you can? Can we find other ways to make me feel prioritized and secure?”
“Family time is important to me. I will be at the family dinner, and if you don’t come, I can’t bring you leftovers.”
“I have a limited amount of emotional energy, and I need to have enough for other areas of my life. I’ll only pick up the phone and talk for about thirty minutes in the evenings.”
“I need to leave by 9pm in order to get some rest before work tomorrow. If you choose to stay later, I won’t be able to pick you up.”
Implementing boundaries takes ownership of your own emotions, so you have to know your own needs and feelings in order to implement them. Self-awareness is key. Yes, setting boundaries is vital to a healthy sense of self, work-life balance, and overall well-being, but it does not give us an excuse to force people to follow our commands.
Here’s the thing: rules aren’t bad. Despite what any of us may think during a rebellious teenage phase, rules are actually essential for order, safety, and healthy relationships.
Yes, relationships have rules! The problem is that when we put lots of rules onto someone else, we take away their autonomy and can create fear or disdain, and if your relationship is just going back and forth throwing rules at the other person, you’ve got a recipe for disaster. Being in a relationship with a partner, friend, or family member means acknowledging that they are their own person and that while you have no control over their behavior, you have complete autonomy over your own.
Take an inventory of one of your significant relationships, whether that be a spouse, friend, child, etc. How can you revise some rules and better communicate your needs through boundaries?