The Power of Repair: Why Saying “I’m Sorry” Matters

As a therapist who works with parents to provide support, one of the most frequent and heartfelt conversations I find myself having is about repair—the sacred act of coming back together after conflict, owning our part, and reconnecting with our children.

Parenting is messy. We all lose our patience. We raise our voices, say things we wish we hadn’t or react from a place of stress instead of calm. These moments don’t make us bad parents; they make us human. It’s what we do after these moments matters so deeply.

When we pause after a rupture and come back to our child—get on their level, make eye contact, and say, “I’m sorry I yelled. That wasn’t fair to you. I was feeling overwhelmed, and I didn’t handle it the way I wanted to,” we are doing something powerful. We’re not just smoothing things over. We’re building emotional resilience, trust, and relational safety. We’re showing our children what it looks like to be accountable, not perfect.

Repair Is a Skill

In my work with adults, I incorporate attachment theory and find it can very helpful. Within relationships, research tells us that it’s not the absence of conflict that predicts a secure attachment, but rather how that conflict is repaired. According to Dr. Ed Tronick, developer of the “Still-Face Experiment,” even in the healthiest parent-child relationships, ruptures happen all the time. What truly matters is that parents are willing to notice the disconnect and move toward repair.

Dr. Dan Siegel and Dr. Tina Payne Bryson, authors of The Power of Showing Up and The Whole-Brain Child, emphasize that when parents repair after a conflict, they help children integrate difficult emotional experiences, rather than internalize shame or confusion. In short: repair teaches kids that relationships can survive imperfection, and that they are still loved, even when things get messy.

A Child’s Inner Voice

The words we use with our children shape the way they will speak to themselves now and in the years to come. If a child consistently hears criticism, dismissal, or blame, they are likely to internalize those messages: “I’m too much or not enough” and “I have to be perfect to be loved.” (Enter fawning.).

But when a child hears an adult say, “I made a mistake, and I want to make it right,” it sends a profoundly different message—that making mistakes are just a part of life that we all experience. This teaches the child that they can still be lovable and worthy and maintain feelings of safety even IN conflict.

Modeling Accountability

When we own our behavior—even when it’s hard—we’re modeling for our children how to be in relationship. We’re showing them that emotional safety doesn’t mean we never have conflict. It means that when conflict arises, we handle it with honesty and care.

A simple, genuine apology like, “I snapped at you earlier and that wasn’t okay. I was tired and frustrated, but that’s not your fault,” can soften the moment and remind our child that the relationship is still intact.

It also models that adults don’t have to be perfect to be trustworthy. When we are willing to show up as flawed humans, our children learn that they don’t have to hide their own struggles or pretend to have it all together all the time. We want them to know they can come to us—not just when things are easy, but when they’re falling apart. This also helps with growing up and not feeling like they must seek perfectionism to be worthy.

The Long Game: Trust, Not Control

Ultimately, we want to raise children who feel safe turning toward us in times of distress. But that trust isn’t built through perfect behavior or harsh discipline—it’s built through consistency, empathy, and repair.

No, they won’t always come to us. That’s part of growing up, and finding their own tribe is a great thing too by the way (another topic on its own), but when they do, they’ll remember the parent who got down on their level, met their eyes, and said, “I’m sorry”—the one who didn’t pretend to be perfect but showed them how to be real, accountable, and connected.

And please hear this: It’s never too late to repair. You don’t need the perfect words. Just your presence, your honesty, and your willingness to keep showing up. You are modeling the kind of emotional courage and relational strength that your child will carry with them long after the conflict is forgotten.