People Pleasers, is it time for a change? By Monica Van Deventer
People pleasing can be a learned automatic response from childhood and may also be inherent to you. This response has probably gotten you pretty far in life, but how long do you think you can sustain this? I’m not saying the desire and learned response of wanting to make others feel good is bad, but it could become maladaptive (if it hasn’t already). When we get all of our value from what we can do for others, what happens when that doesn’t feel like enough anymore or when someone gets upset with us? What happens when we continue to receive compliments, praise, and thank you’s yet those words from others begin to feel empty and may even bring up feelings of resentment? This could be a sign you are reaching your limit of giving and it’s your time to receive and honor your needs.
Recently, I attended a yoga retreat and the leaders had us write a letter to our “Loyal Soldier.” Everyone has a different loyal soldier, but I assume if you are reading this blog then yours may be a people pleaser. We noticed the helpful and harmful qualities of this loyal soldier. We thanked them: for what they have given us in life, their loyalty, their service, achievements, then asked them to step down. This visual may help you see this role in a different light. I believe it’s helpful for us to not see these parts of ourselves as all bad, but to be able to understand and know when it’s time to let one go. You may transition into a new season of life that requires a different part of yourself to step up to bat. Each battle we face in life looks and feels different, so it makes sense we may have to shed old versions of ourselves along the way to make room for who we need to be in a different season.
People pleaser, I would like for you to ask yourself some questions:
What would it be like to focus on myself for one day?
What could change within and around me if I allowed more time and space to focus on me?
What have I been giving my energy to that no longer serves me?
What negative emotions have I been avoiding?
What boundaries could I set to create a life that aligns with my desires?
What can I begin saying yes and no to, to come back into alignment with self?
What has being a people pleaser in life earned me?
How do I know it’s time to focus more on myself in a season?
Am I ready to let go of resentment, bitterness, and frustration and speak up for myself?
What could hold me back from moving away from being a people pleaser?
What emotions came up for me as I answered these questions?
I welcome you to pick up a pen and piece of paper, and write any thoughts that come up for you as you reflect on these questions. Thank yourself for being courageous enough to explore this topic and for choosing you today.