Love Cycles and Fear Cycles By Zach McMaster

Every relationship we have will face conflict at some point. Sometimes, we do not handle this conflict as gracefully as we would like. Since we all have our own unique experiences, we all respond to conflict differently. We respond to conflict the way we have learned how to respond to it throughout our lives. Unfortunately, the way we respond to conflict may cause the other person to react in a way that makes us feel worse. When that happens, we may rely even more on our automatic response, which continues to upset that other person even more. On and on, creating a painful cycle. 

Imagine you are someone who withdraws and shuts down in the face of conflict, especially when someone comes at you aggressively. If your partner, friend, or family member approaches you in a way that you find aggressive, you may feel unsafe, scared, hurt, threatened, or some other feeling that you do not like. In response, you withdraw. When you withdraw, that other person may feel ignored, lonely, offended, rejected, or another upsetting emotion. When they feel their emotion, they will probably respond my getting even louder or more aggressive, which makes you feel your feeling stronger and respond stronger. This kind of cycle is a Fear Cycle. These Fear Cycles are not enjoyable, but we often find ourselves responding in this cycle, even if we do not want to.

Luckily, there is another kind of cycle, the Love Cycle. Much like the Fear Cycle, it is made of feelings and responsive behaviors. When we feel safe, supported, loved, cared for, or accepted, we will respond with a kind behavior, which will make that other person feel one of these pleasant emotions, and they will respond with a kind behavior, fueling this cycle. The Love Cycle can help us reconnect with our loved ones and care for each other in a much more specific way.

Both of these cycles are made up of feelings and the responsive behaviors tied to those feelings. Even though these cycles are most often talked about between couples, they can also be applied to other close relationships as well. It takes two to have a cycle. It is not all your fault, and it is not all the other person’s fault. Both people contribute to the cycle, and both people can stop the cycle. When it comes to the Fear Cycle, not doing your usual responsive behavior will be less likely to make the other person feel that feeling that causes their behavior, which disrupts that cycle. As you move into your Love Cycle, the more you do that behavior that causes a pleasurable emotion, that other person will be more likely to respond with a much more comfortable behavior which leads you to feel a pleasurable emotion. 

The key to both of these cycles is defining the specific behaviors and root emotions that contribute to each cycle. It may help to look at your past and see what experiences you have had that have contributed to your automatic response. Once you can identify your feelings and behaviors while outside of the cycle, it becomes easier to recognize when you start falling into your Fear Cycle. Working with that other person you may be experiencing regular conflict with to identify the different components of your cycles can help you learn more about each other and yourselves and may increase your understanding and patience as you try to navigate your Fear Cycle together. 

It takes two to have a cycle. It is not all your fault, and it is not all the other person’s fault. Both people contribute to the cycle, and both people can stop the cycle.