How To: Friendships by Nina Hemphill
Before reading the rest of this post, take a moment and close your eyes. Try to think back to the first time you ever made a friend. How old were you? Where were you?
People often make their first friends in school settings, either in the classroom, daycare or perhaps on the playground. At all stages of life, making those connections can be difficult. Sometimes it can be hard to figure out how to relate to other people, or how to make ourselves look like the type of person anyone would want to be friends with. This is where I give a spoiler…there is no *perfect* friend. Usually, those amazing friendships that may last longterm are with people who accept us for who we are. But for those who are in need of a breakdown of how to make friends, I’ve got something worth taking a gander at.
Step One: What Kind of Friend Do I Want to Have?
This question seems super simple to answer at first glance, however this step deserves some deeper thinking. What are your values? What characteristics (thoughtfulness, humor, loyalty, etc) would you want to see most in a friend? If you find that you’re having trouble with this step, that is totally normal. An exercise that could be helpful is creating three columns on a piece of paper, and titling the columns “Green Flags”, “Yellow Flags”, and “Red Flags”. In the Green Flags column, jot down characteristics in current or past friendships, or perhaps even the ideal friend that you would love to have in your life. Maybe having a friend with a similar sense of humor is important to you, or maybe having a friend whom you can trust to be vulnerable with. In the Yellow Flags column, write out characteristics that maybe aren’t deal breakers in a friendship, but make you have a side eye moment - characteristics that make you feel cautious. I think being aware of these Yellow Flags may be important, because everyone has them and a lot of times Yellow Flags can teach us how to navigate challenges in relationships. In the Red Flags column, jot down characteristics that are an absolute no for you. These characteristics are ones that you know you should steer clear from, and if a person shows these Red Flags repeatedly to you, you know to walk away.
It is also important to note the different levels of friendship:
Acquaintances - People whom you are friendly towards, but aren’t necessarily friends with
Friend - People whom you may speak to or hang out with often, but are not necessarily close to
Close Friend - People whom you speak to or hang out with more frequently than your friends. People who you may share some personal or intimate feelings or secrets with.
Best Friend - A person or persons whom you trust the most out of all of your friends. Those who you may or may not speak to or see all the time, but that connection is always strong
These levels are important to keep in mind as you think about what kind of friends you want, as it is okay to delegate people to these different levels based on your closeness and comfortability with them. Usually people start at the first level and as the friendship deepens and grows, they move up levels.
Step Two: Where Can I Find These Friends?
This question may be a bit more difficult to answer than the first. This may be dependent on many factors like where you live, work life balance, if you’re in school, and, most importantly, your willingness and openness to put yourself out there. Some may find it easier to go out to various social events and make friends that way. Others may find it easier to make friends online first and then eventually hang out in person. In some magically seeming, predestined instances, we meet new people who become new friends without even thinking about it. When thinking about where to find new friends, first consider the type of settings you’d feel most comfortable with putting yourself out there.
Step Three: What Kind of Friend Am I?
Now this step may be the hardest one for a lot of us - as this step requires a lot of introspection. Some of us are low maintenance friends, meaning we do not need to talk every day (or even every other day) to know our friendship is good, but we are still there for our friends when needed. Some of us are high maintenance friends, meaning we prefer having some form of contact with our friends more frequently. Whether you are a friend who is low maintenance, high maintenance, or somewhere in between, it is important to be aware of what kind of friend you are in relationships. Being aware of who we are as a friend can help us become aware of people we may not be compatible with, or people who may need to be delegated to the acquaintance level of friendship. Maybe you are someone who loves going below the surface in conversations with your friends, and feel that most of your friendships need to have some level of depth. You may have a harder time maintaining the kind of friendships you’re seeking with those who do not dwell in the deep end like yourself, and would prefer to hang out above the surface. Or, maybe you’re a low maintenance friend who is in friendship with someone who understands and appreciates the lack of pressure placed on them by needing to stay in contact frequently.
Friendships can be beautiful and fulfilling. Healthy friendships can provide support systems that pour into us and support our overall well being. I think it is most important to know that you are worthy and deserving of healthy, loving and amazing friendships. There are people who are looking for the exact kind of friend that you are, but having the types of friendships you want begin with being the ultimate friend to yourself. I’d like to add a bonus step here at the end. I invite you to try treating yourself the way you would a dear friend whom you love and care about deeply.