Learning to Be Present with Yourself

Sometimes slowing down sounds like exactly what we need, that is, until we actually slow down. I think a lot of us like the “idea” of being present. We want to slow down, enjoy the moment, listen to our bodies, and feel more connected to ourselves. But then, the moment that things get quiet, our thoughts get loud.

The anxiety shows up: The unfinished to-do lists. The conversation you keep replaying. The constant comparison. The grief. The overarching and everpresent question of whether you are doing enough, being enough, or somehow falling behind.

So naturally, we reach for our phones. We turn on another brain-rot reality TV show (Bravo TV for the win!). We work a little longer. We fill up our calendars. We scroll; we research; we stay productive.

Sometimes these are things that we need. Rest and distraction are not inherently unhealthy. As a therapist, I don’t believe every moment of watching TV, scrolling social media, or zoning out needs to be turned into a psychological investigation. However, there is a difference between resting because your body needs a break and staying busy because you don’t want to be alone with what you are feeling. That’s a distinction I’m learning to notice in my own life and one I often explore with clients too. 

What Are You Not Trying to Feel?

One of the questions I come back to is: Am I actually resting right now, or am I trying to quiet my thoughts because I don’t trust what might surface if things get quiet?

Now, this question doesn’t come with judgement. It’s just a way for us to start getting curious. Our coping strategies usually serve a purpose. Doomscrolling might help you decompress after a long day. (It’s definitely something I’m prone to do!) Watching a comfort show might give your brain a much-needed break. Staying busy might temporarily give you a sense of control.

For those of us who work in helping professions, this can be especially complicated. When your work involves paying attention to other people’s emotions, tone, relationships, and needs all day, your brain may genuinely need some time to turn the volume down. What is most important here, is noticing when these strategies stop being restorative and start turning into avoidance. If watching one episode helps you reset and reconnect with yourself, great! If three hours pass, and you feel more disconnected, more anxious, or more stuck in your head than when you started, that is useful information too. Presence begins with noticing.

Being Present Doesn’t Mean Having an Empty Mind

Mindfulness tends to get an unfair reputation. We tend to picture someone sitting perfectly still, eyes closed, completely peaceful, with absolutely no thoughts running through their mind. Meanwhile, some of us sit down for thirty seconds and immediately remember an awkward conversation from 2016. This does NOT mean that you’re “bad” at mindfulness. Being present isn’t about getting rid of your thoughts. Mindfulness is the way we change our relationship to our thoughts.

This is something I often see with clients who struggle with people pleasing tendencies. When you spend a lot of time monitoring how other people are feeling, trying to anticipate what they need, or worrying about whether someone is upset with you, it can become incredibly difficult to know what you are feeling or what you want. You can become so practiced at looking outward that you lose touch with yourself. Next time you find yourself experiencing a people-pleasing urge, take a pause and ask yourself: What am I feeling right now? What do I actually need? What matters to ME? What am I noticing in my body? Am I making this choice because I want to or because I am afraid of disappointing someone?

Mindfulness Doesn’t Only Come by Sitting Still

Traditional meditation has not always felt like the most natural entry point into mindfulness for most people, including myself. I unexpectedly found some of it through group fitness. I found that movement gave me a way to get out of my head and back into my body.

In class, I would notice when comparison started to creep in. Am I keeping up? How do I look? Am I doing this right? I learned to notice those thoughts and then gently bring my attention back to my breath, my body, and the movement in front of me.

That is also a form of mindfulness—not overthinking or comparing, but noticing when you’ve left the present moment and gently coming back. Mindfulness can happen anywhere. It might be walking without your phone, paying attention to your breath, listening to music without multitasking, or simply noticing how you’re feeling in the middle of a busy day.

You Don’t Have to Fix Yourself

I see this often when working with empathetic, high-achieving people. There can be a belief that if we just work on ourselves a little more, we’ll finally feel okay. Cue the cycle of another book, another podcast, another routine, another thing to fix. Growth is meaningful, but sometimes self-improvement becomes another way of telling ourselves that who we are right now isn’t enough. Instead of immediately asking ourselves, “How can I fix this?”, ask yourself, “Can I be with this?” Can I notice an anxious thought without immediately believing it? Can I sit with uncertainty without trying to solve it? Can I notice what I need before automatically focusing on what everyone else needs from me?

Start small. You don’t have to completely change your relationship with your thoughts overnight. Start with 2 minutes. Take a walk without your phone. Notice your surroundings. Take a breath before responding to a text. During your next workout, notice when comparison shows up and gently return your attention to your own body. Don’t worry about doing it perfectly. Just notice.

Presence is a skill, and skills get stronger with practice. You may find that when you stop trying so hard to outrun your thoughts, you don’t become overwhelmed by them, and you are able to become more familiar with yourself.