What If Your “Independence” Is Armor?

“It is better to give than receive” is a saying many of us heard growing up, and while this can be true, what happens when it gets to the point where giving becomes your default, even when you’re exhausted and drained? 

Over-giving isn’t just being generous, it goes beyond that into a pattern of consistently putting others’ needs ahead of your own, at the expense of yourself. When this becomes your default pattern, it can lead to feeling lonely, resentful, and disconnected from others and yourself. 

What does this look like in practice? It may be saying yes anytime someone asks for help—or even before someone has asked for help because you have anticipated a possible need of theirs and tried to meet it. You may be constantly focused on how others around you are feeling, trying to observe how you can best serve them yet unaware of how you can tend to yourself. 

This pattern of over-giving often stems from childhood experiences, where you may have learned that being helpful was a way to earn love and approval. For those who grew up with emotionally immature parents, they may have learned the importance of tracking their parents moods to minimize any potential conflict, and in the process, the kid shrinks their own needs. Additionally, because the emotionally immature adults in the household are focused on their own needs, there is little space or interest in the child’s inner world, meaning the child may grow into an adult that doesn’t know their own needs or how to allow others to help meet those needs.

As we navigate healing from these childhood wounds, we must realize that over-giving is an armor we put on to protect ourselves. This pattern has served a purpose throughout our lives in order to protect us from a potentially dysfunctional home life, but when we are out of that environment, we no longer need the armor. The over-giver can work to realize how their patterns of giving protect them from vulnerability and being seen by others, which is an unfamiliar experience to them. It is important to remember that unfamiliarity is not always unsafe. You can start to integrate this by “microdosing” receiving, such as saying “thank you” to a compliment rather than deflecting, allowing someone to help you with a small task, or even just noticing when you are not tending to your own needs.